Family Values: The Experience of a Young Family

Hi! Let’s get acquainted: we are a young family, Bohdan and Olya, parents of two little children.

Umm… family, nwet, a youth educational space — how is this connected? It’s simple: Olya and I are part of that very youth who went through educational programs and later became active organizers of the educational space ourselves. In fact, this is the very center of our small family: shared education and shared values. I sometimes hear questions like: how does nwet education help in the future when you have a family? After all, there you are no longer the carefree youth engaged in self-development and volunteering. There is work, business, children, responsibility… Moreover, while serving in the military, I observed how the young families of my comrades were falling apart. These are young men and women, younger or older than me, each with children. But at critical moments, their relationships did not withstand the test of time and distance. For Olya and me, this is yet another confirmation that a family must be built on universal human values: loyalty, honesty, responsibility, self-sacrifice. Without a strong foundation, such relationships are doomed to collapse. It is precisely our observations and reflections on family relationships that inspired us to shape this into an article.

At first glance, we are very different — for example, about a 30 cm height difference 🙂. I appear calm and balanced. Olya, on the contrary, is energetic and expressive. During our student years, we would not have paid attention to each other, and moreover, we would not have met anywhere, since we studied in different parts of Ukraine. We come from different families and, of course, each family has its own traditions and behavioral models. However, thanks to volunteering and educational activities in the nwet space, we had the opportunity to meet and collaborate. It was our shared values, views on the future, family, and married life that became a solid foundation for our relationship (which is still developing).

Over more than five years of family life, both together and individually, we have gone through many challenges. The very first challenge was relationships. At first, we were on business trips, sometimes abroad, so we faced the challenge of distance and learned to build relationships remotely, online. The beginning of our family life coincided with COVID — everything was closed, we worked online. We started spending too much time together. Even the engagement was scheduled and almost without guests. But at least people didn’t interfere during the photoshoot 🙂 By the way, it was precisely our experience in the nwet space — as mentors, as organizers, the co-living itself — that helped and continues to help us build relationships, find mutual understanding, and resolve issues. I believe this is an invaluable and the best experience any educational platform or institution can provide — empathy and love for people.

Then came pregnancy and an urgent relocation to the Lviv region before the full-scale invasion. We both got sick with COVID there and were in isolation. Then, around 6 a.m. — bombings nearby… In those times, the community of friends and volunteers began to help: we messaged and called each other, families supported one another. I registered with the local Territorial Recruitment Center — there, an employee granted me a deferment due to the pregnancy (I still remember her kindness). We volunteered, wove camouflage nets. And in the autumn of 2022, our eldest son, Natan, was born. For several months, I was able to take care of the new member of our family, and in winter I went to the war… To say that we were worried would be an understatement. We did not know whether I would return at all.

Photo near a mine in Donetsk region

So Olya was left alone with a child (and later with children) — that’s a challenge.

It really puts pressure on your mind. You can’t abandon a child or forget about them. In any condition, you have to keep taking care of them every single day. What helped was having a husband with whom I could sincerely discuss my state and the situation.

At first, we communicated briefly, via text (when possible). Over time, we came up with a rule: once every 12 hours I would check in — until then, there was no need to worry if there was no reply. When my service became a bit more stable, we started having calls during the week. This kind of communication gave strength to both of us: we shared our difficulties and fears, listened to each other, and gave advice. I jokingly started calling Olya my psychologist. Each of us carried our own service, on our own front. In general, it’s very hard to understand a wife’s circumstances because I wasn’t “in her shoes.” Sometimes I tried to give advice that made sense to me but was useless for Olya. So I tried to listen more, to catch and understand what she was going through.

As such, there is no “me.” I can talk a lot about how our son plays, what he has learned… But who am I in this whole process? Just a mom. As if everything I knew, did, and who I was before the children no longer matters. And in that state, I don’t even know what I want. Even if I sleep or take a shower — the responsibility for the child doesn’t go anywhere. It’s forever.

I made a decision: if I am already in the role of a mother, then I will teach and develop my children so that they become an example among others (of course, I don’t always succeed, because I’m human and I also lose my temper). For example, our son started speaking early and well.

Meanwhile, I became a “dad on the phone.” During my first leave, Natan (already sitting up) looked at me, and I looked at Natan — we were getting to know each other, getting used to one another.

During leave

I still remember walking into the house in uniform — my son was sitting on the carpet, playing. He noticed me and began carefully watching my every movement: for a while, we just observed each other. When I left for the war, he was still lying like a little bundle on the bed… I was shocked to see him in real life so “grown.” I can’t find the words to convey those feelings…

Naturally, all the practical care for the children fell on Olya’s shoulders.

With our first child, I was completely devoted to him. There was only one child, and nothing distracted me. We did everything together with our son, and we had our own vibe.

Time passes, the war does not end. I remain alive, so we began to cautiously think about the future. And God gave us, three years later, a daughter — Liya. It was a big step that we discussed a lot, but the final decision was Olya’s, because she would have to take on the responsibility of care in the future.

When a second child appears, the first one doesn’t go anywhere. Now there are two children, and I am alone. Honestly — it is very hard: physically hard — that’s nothing, just flowers. But morally — it’s overwhelming:

• I blame myself for not giving enough attention to the older one;
• for losing my temper;
• for the lack of sufficient physical support.

I have become more nervous.

When our first child was born, Olya devoted all her time to our son, but after our daughter was born, she began to ignore or not take into account many things happening around (because her mind is already occupied with two children and everything around them — feeding, walks, clinic visits…).

During leave for the birth of our daughter

So what is the connection between the nwet space and our family? As we said, it is shared education and the experience we gained during our active involvement. The main thing for us is fidelity between husband and wife. This is truly a solid foundation on which a family can be built. We do not even consider other options.

Olya:

Sincerity. This is a quality I truly value in people. And thanks to this kind of education, we practice it in our family. My husband is the only person I trust and to whom I tell everything that is on my heart. I didn’t have such an experience before. Conversations of an inner nature. We calmly talk with my husband about feelings, difficulties, and the state of the soul. We learned this, or deepened it, already while being in nwet.

It was a cultural shock for me — to see a different environment, a different level. And it took some time to begin honest, sincere communication, especially with the opposite sex. In fact, I don’t recall having heart-to-heart conversations before meeting the guys and girls from nwet. But I still warmly remember many conversations, already as a participant and organizer of the nwet space. It was thanks to such conversations that we became close. There was a period when my team consisted mostly of girls — it was like an express course in relationships; I learned to listen and truly hear. And this experience greatly helps me both in family life and in service.

As we said at the beginning, we are different, yet complementary in our inner nature. It’s incredible. Olya prefers practical tasks and quickly senses the atmosphere, opening people’s hearts. I think more globally and technically, rationally. Olya says that I can put out the fire when emotions overwhelm her. Of course, we are not experts in family happiness, and we do have misunderstandings and everyday conflicts (when I am on leave). We are a young, small family trying to explore and practice the universal principles we encountered in the nwet space. And we want to inspire those who are not yet married to consciously prepare. Because, as our modest experience shows, the way you prepare and begin will determine your life for the coming years — both in family and beyond.

In conclusion, we allow ourselves to give some advice to readers who have not yet started family life:

• if there is no fidelity, do not start a relationship;
• train your character: be responsible and see things through to the end (because without responsibility it is impossible to get up every day and raise children);
• continue learning and exploring what a family is and what you want it to be;
• learn to care and to sacrifice for your loved ones, despite “I don’t want to” and “I can’t.”

And we invite you to our family page @pupsimya.