Emotions: what they are and how to befriend them

Emotions are our reaction to what happens to us. Thanks to them, we can understand how we really feel about the events and situations unfolding around us.

Contents

• The ABC model
• “The Bible of emotions”
• Emotion: anger, rage
• Emotion: sadness
• Emotion: fear
• Emotion: envy
• Emotion: joy

Emotions never appear out of nowhere — there is always something that triggers them. The cause may be the objective circumstances we find ourselves in, or our subjective perception of those circumstances.

The ABC model

Psychology offers what is known as the “ABC model”, which explains the mechanics of emotions very well. It says that emotions work through four consecutive, interconnected stages:

• The first stage is the event or situation that takes place. Emotions are a reaction to something, and for an emotion to arise, something has to happen.
• The second stage is our thoughts about that situation or event.
• The third stage is the emotion we feel as a result of those thoughts.
• The fourth stage is action. The decision we make depends on the emotion we feel.

Imagine you have arranged to meet a friend. You arrive, you wait, but your friend is not there. Five minutes pass, then ten… fifteen… twenty… and still no sign of them. You think: “How can anyone be this late? It has been twenty minutes already! He doesn't respect my time, he doesn't respect me. He is irresponsible!” What will a person thinking like this feel? Irritation, anger, rage.

Now imagine the friend finally arrives and says: “Something awful happened to me! I was on my way to meet you and some thieves jumped me — they robbed me, took my wallet and my phone.” After hearing that, your thoughts change: “That really is a shame. What a terrible thing to happen!” What will a person feel after such thoughts? Compassion, empathy, sympathy.

What conclusion can we draw? By changing our thoughts about an event, we can change what we feel.

Our emotions always have grounds; they never arise for no reason. But the thoughts that gave rise to them may be irrational and out of step with reality. That is why, whenever we think about something, it is important to check that our thoughts actually match the facts.

“The Bible of emotions”

These are the three core rules about emotions:

1. There are no “bad” or “good” emotions. In our society negative emotions are often called bad ones. But that is not true. All emotions are normal. All of them have the right to exist. They are called negative simply because they tell us that something is unfavourable for us.
2. Every emotion has its own unique function. Every emotion is useful if you know its function and know how to use it.
3. Every emotion has to be lived through, and under no circumstances should it be suppressed. As children we are sometimes forbidden to express emotions: “don't cry, don't shout…”, “you're a man, you shouldn't cry”. In reality, this does no good at all.

Emotions must never be suppressed. What happens when we do it? We assume the emotion will disappear and stop bothering us, but that is not the case. Emotions do not go anywhere. At best the emotion will come back as a nightmare; at worst it can trigger illness (psychosomatics).

Emotion: anger, rage

Anger arises when someone crosses our boundaries; when they do something we find unpleasant, something that contradicts our values and wishes. Anger can help us recognise our own limits and understand better what is “OK” for us and what is not.

It is also worth remembering that anger sometimes acts as a shield for more vulnerable feelings. It shows that a person is in emotional pain, that they are vulnerable, and anger is protecting their sensitivity.

There is a lot of energy in anger. It is a very powerful emotion. That energy should be channelled into reaching your goals and overcoming obstacles. If that is impossible or inappropriate, direct the anger into physical activity: clean the house, do some sport.

Emotion: sadness

Sadness arises when a person has irreversibly lost something important to them. Sadness often accompanies loss and grieving. And it is a perfectly normal emotion. However, sadness does not always come from loss.

When we grieve, we refill ourselves with strength and restore our energy reserves. When a person is sad, the body sinks: they start to slouch, the shoulders drop, the corners of the mouth turn down. In such a period it is worth resting, relaxing and replenishing your energy. Sadness is also a good state for monotonous, routine work. Being sad is normal. And it can be a signal that you need rest.

Emotion: fear

Fear arises in response to a threat. It mobilises all the body's resources and the “fight, flight or freeze” response so that we can protect ourselves. When we feel fear, our body releases adrenaline and cortisol. Sometimes a frightened person freezes and cannot do anything at all. In that case it helps to start moving with something small: tense and relax the muscles, wiggle the fingers.

Fear is the most powerful emotion. There is a great resource in it. When we overcome a particular fear, a rush of hormones comes first. We feel elated and excited, but once that reaction passes — especially if we repeat the action — we start to treat those circumstances calmly.

So the more fears we overcome, the stronger we become. But this should only be done when the object of fear poses no direct threat to life. It also has to be done gradually, so that the psyche is not shocked.

Emotion: envy

People usually view envy negatively. In reality, though, it is extremely useful. Envy signals that someone else is doing or has something we want very much. So it can help us recognise our own desires.

If you rephrase envy in ethical terms, you get something like “Wow! I want that too!” There is always an element of anger in envy, so use it to get what you want!

Emotion: joy

Joy is the most pleasant emotion. It arises when what is happening to us is especially positive. Interestingly, joy can be “switched on” if you straighten your shoulders, correct your posture and smile. You need to stay in that position for at least two to five minutes.

Joy is when a person is in the “here and now” and likes this moment. There is a saying: “If we are sad, we are living in the past; if we are anxious, we are living in the future.”

What kind of activities suit a joyful state? Generating ideas, brainstorming, sales, communication, negotiations. But joy is not the right state for tasks that require monotony, discipline, sustained focus and patience.

Besides the basic emotions we have looked at, there are many other emotions and feelings. So it is important to expand your vocabulary for these states, so that you can recognise what you feel as precisely as possible and channel your emotions in the right direction.