Ways to resolve conflict

At the heart of solving any problem there is always a principle that reverses the very process through which health or harmony was lost in the first place.

Contents

• Three key aspects of resolving conflict
• Who should resolve the conflict?
• The responsibility of the offended and the offender in resolving conflict
• Practical advice on resolving conflicts

Three key aspects of resolving conflict

The very first method that comes to mind is physical force. Countless films portray it vividly: the hero overcomes the villains through sheer strength. In reality, though, this does not resolve the conflict — least of all for the one who was defeated. Of course, when there is no other way out, a physical struggle sometimes becomes unavoidable. Yet the conflict will remain unresolved as long as its root cause persists — human selfishness.

A simple example: through carelessness we drop our keys. They lose their original position. To return them to it, we have to bend down and pick them up. This law of nature reminds us that problems should not be left unresolved.

There are three key aspects to resolving a conflict. First, we have to understand that the conflict arose because of our own selfishness. That is why preventing problems requires cultivating selflessness in ourselves. Next, we need to recognise that what we did was wrong, and decide to act rightly. And finally, we need to take active steps to restore the health, standing or relationship that was lost.

So the process of restoration can be described as three actions: understanding and changing oneself, returning and making amends, reconciling and rebuilding the relationship.

Reconciliation comes when both sides acknowledge their share of the blame for the conflict. This is precisely where everything ought to begin — and precisely what is hardest to do. More often than not, the one who starts the conflict, who offends or strikes out, takes a certain satisfaction in it. But if he thinks deeply, he may realise that what he said or did was wrong. The injured party, too, may come to see that the situation carries a portion of his own fault.

We need to learn to put ourselves in our opponent's place, to try to understand his point of view, what drove him to act as he did, what his circumstances were. We need to learn to listen to our own conscience. We always want to be good, yet we do bad things, because in a tense moment we lose control of ourselves. It is worth pausing and asking: «What are my core values? What did I do that violated them?»

The next step is to consider how we should have acted instead. We need the capacity to see our mistakes, admit them and learn from them. Then, in similar situations, we will already be able to avoid them. It falls to us to decide to take responsibility for putting the situation right. Often this demands that we overcome our own pride, which takes no small amount of courage. Such acts require considerable effort — but that effort means we are changing, moving past our own limitations. And that, ultimately, leads to self-development and growth.

By taking responsibility, we free ourselves from false pride and from guilt. We can look at ourselves honestly, see our shortcomings and what needs to change within us. Following this path, we can develop our heart and become more sensitive to others.

In some cases an apology is enough — especially if it is sincere. Reconciliation and the restoration of a relationship belong to the realm of the heart. But if property was damaged, an apology alone will not suffice. A relationship is restored when neither side holds bad feelings towards the other.

Who should resolve the conflict?

When a conflict arises, who should resolve it? Settling it requires both sides to take responsibility. To some extent it does not even matter which of them is right and which is at fault. Proving the guilt of a person or a group rarely improves the situation.

Sometimes a conflict drags on so long that it becomes hard to tell who started it. It makes no difference who is right and who is wrong, because peace and calm can only be reached when both sides want them. A conflict is fully resolved when both sides stop blaming each other.

The ability to forgive cannot be weakness, because it takes courage and strength. It grows out of a person's maturity in caring for another and a sincere wish to improve the situation. Forgiveness sets us free from hatred and resentment.

Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die. That is exactly it — hatred and resentment corrode the soul of the one who was wronged and kill the spirit. Forgiveness cleanses the poison away and allows the path of love to be restored.

The responsibility of the offended and the offender in resolving conflict

Whoever did the wrong must have the courage to admit it, take a step towards making amends, and keep going until forgiveness is granted. The offended party must acknowledge his own share of the blame for the conflict that arose. In practice it often happens that the one who was the victim becomes, in time, the aggressor.

In the end, all relationships come down to love. The greatest expression of love is love for one's enemy — to love and to give to the one who harms you. The highest achievement of love will always be to turn an enemy into a friend. For that, one has to believe that there is good in the other person, even if he is hurting you.

Take Nelson Mandela and de Klerk. They were enemies. The first was a victim of the second's totalitarian system, spending more than 30 years in prison. Yet he found the strength to forgive, placing higher values above personal grievances. As a result, the totalitarian system was defeated by peaceful, non-violent means.

Practical advice on resolving conflicts

Most often conflict arises from the immaturity of the parties, who are still in the process of coming to know society and themselves. Each of us needs to cultivate modesty, nobility and altruism, along with a high level of awareness in how we behave.

Sometimes family members become enemies. How can people who have known each other for years turn into enemies? Closeness in family relationships breeds high expectations. When those expectations go unmet, disappointment and pain appear.

• First, resolving a conflict means learning to create the right atmosphere for an honest conversation. Being able to keep to the rule of not interrupting and of hearing each other out.
• Second, you have to be able to focus on changing yourself rather than the other person.
• Third, do not take problems personally. People genuinely differ in character and psychology.
• Fourth, learn to value differences instead of trying to make the other person more like you.
• Fifth, an important skill is seeing and appreciating the good sides of the other person. Because no one stays hostile towards someone whose love they feel.

And when the two of them lack the wisdom to sort out the misunderstanding between them on their own, it is worth turning to a third party.

In conclusion, it is worth noting that although conflicts are an everyday reality, learning how to avoid and resolve them is the foundation of relationships. It is what defines a person's maturity.